The Old Switcheroo.

Many have attempted the old switcheroo, but many have failed. Im still waiting to find out the results, so hang on to your pannies folks. But in the meantime, let me give you the backstory:

It all begins with a superbowl party. We will call the individuals involved Squish Face and Nepalese Squeeze. I'll admit I went to the party (which was a party of a friend of a friend's fuck buddy) with the intention of meeting someone new (every opportunity ladies) when in walks squish face. He rolls up with all his squish face swag and delivers the classic line, "I like your glasses (wanna fuck)." The latter part was only implied of course. So my horny desperate self is like ok ok, squishy isn't that bad looking...I'll rock with this. We chit chat, flirt, the whole bit....BUT in between conversations I start sweet talking Nepalese. First of all, he's Nepalese....I mean raise your hand if you've met someone from there. And all my girls holla how many foreign dudes Ive picked up in my day. So exotic=me likey. Also from San Diego. Nice. Also studied in Madrid...ok ok...asks me about art...ooooohhh shieeet. And for the kill: HE'S RICH BITCH! Rich as in being an investment banker, which is dime a dozen around here, but guys Im a broke ass art teacher so I'll take it. So I give him my digits..oh so sly...but I turn around and there's squishy. Did I mention that they are best friends?

Don't get me wrong, squishy is totally doable. Yes his features are unnaturally close together, but meeting a man in New York is like trying to find an apartment. You always have to give up something. And anyway this man spit game like he was throwing dice! He walks me to the train, we make out a little, I coulda sucked on those lips all night! And apparently so could he, cause the next night he asks me out. We get drinks at his local watering hole, only to invite me back to his place for make outs. So this is fine, in general I make out like I'm in middle school. Except here's the problem: how do we say this.....He took it out. He took IT. OUT. And more than that he somewhat insisted that I suck it. Now I consider myself a very giving person, but I resume my pretend middle school level of experience and ignore it. Then I find an appropriate excuse to leave.

Don't misunderstand. I'm not even as perturbed as I ought to be. It's just that his desperateness stank up the place....or maybe it was his complete eagerness to use his penis to find the glory hole that is my vagina. I mean damn. Let a girl learn your last name first. And here this guy is making me feel bad that I don't want to put out on the first date!

So the switcheroo had to be done. I liked the other friend too, and this one was..how do you say...wearing his penis on his sleeve. Strategy had to be imployed. How long do you wait....a few days...a week..a month? How about a week? This coincides with Valentines day. I send the vaguely friend zone text...
(paraphrased)
Me: Im going to a few galleries this Saturday if you want to come
Him: Im busy this Saturday. But do you wanna meet for drinks tonight?
Me: You serious? Its Valentines Day?!
Him: I don't believe in the sanctity of Valentines day.
Me: Ok then, saints be damned. BAR TRIVIA!

So we meet. I look hot. He looks less attractive than I remembered. He is really good at trivia and as a person who watches Jeopardy religiously, this is hot. He mentions how much money he makes like 3 times. I'm shallow, so while annoying I tolerate it. He also talks like he's deaf. Like completely unaware of his octave level. And this is coming from a LOUD person. I kept wanting to shush him the whole night. He pays for everything. We go to an obnoxiously romantic bar (per my suggestion) where literally everyone is making out. Like the people at the bar, the people in the corner, the people in the middle of the room have their legs wrapped around each other....everyone. So clearly we make out, after all I'm 12. He drops me off in a cab. But acts for the most part like a gentleman--he keeps grabbing my butt, you'd swear this thing had handle bars. But I being the good girl I am pretending to be, I leave him alone in the cab to think about me while he jerks one off.

So here's the question guys: Have I pulled off the switcheroo? Is this an acceptable course of action? Am I pulling a Yoko for breaking up their bro love? Will I get both or will I get none? And most importantly: Am I really a make out whore?

These questions and more will be revealed with more inappropriate details than necessary on the next:
THINGS THAT GO BUMP IN THE NIGHT!