I know that men reading this might have immediately made the
“ooohh ouch” face, but I am here to speak for women everywhere to tell you that
size does indeed matter. But rest assured I am not only referring to the size
of your nether regions, but actually to many things that the portion size
matters. For example:
Height: On my Mexican sojourn I realized more than ever, no
girl wants some short, short man. As my scuba instructor reminded me, Mexicans
are a compact people. So while screening the seas for fish and sexy boat
captains, I made sure to crane my neck downward. This led me to find the boat
captain of my personal snorkeling tour. Normally I would proceed with more
caution than to get on a boat ALONE with a young man, but there was something
about his caramel skin, and chiseled body that convinced me. I don’t know if
any of you have tried to flirt underwater, but it is rather difficult. All my
cute quips have been silenced, all my touching relegated to swimming for my survival.
So once back on the boat I let it slide that I didn’t have a boyfriend and soon
I found myself putting more than a snorkel in my mouth (not that you dirty
birds) with hot and steamy make outs. Now that’s all fine and good (and oh
honey it was good) except when I went to get out of the boat and kiss him
goodbye, I realized I’m almost a head taller than him. Now I’m not that tall,
so it’s not really cute to bend down to you kiss your man like you’re embracing
a child. When you stand next to him you don’t want people to think that you’re
his babysitter. No my friends, you need a man to stand over you….you know to
protect you from monsters and dragons and stuff. Its part of that innate feeling
of wanting to be taken care of. Think about it, the princess always ends up
with the studly knight, not the motley dwarf. Also there is the short mans
disease to consider. You ever notice how short men can be really agro, or buy a
lot of flashy things? Its cause their compensating for their lack of size with
the size of their overbearing mouth or obnoxious car. Lucky for me though, I
found it easy to indulge in a meaningless vacation romance despite what he
lacked in height. It turns out we were not doing a lot of standing around
together.
Wallet: Yes you may think me shallow, but the size and reach
of the wallet matters, and people who say otherwise are liars. Have you ever
met a woman that was like, “yes I love dating broke ass dudes that take their
lemon and parsley on their plate to go.” When this same friend described the hippie
painted car that her date drove in, his silent expectation that she pay for
everything, and his very crowded and very small apartment, she actually felt
guilty for not being impressed. She considered herself an open minded bay arean
liberal, why should she care if the guy she was seeing was a little short on
cash? Because money matters people! Its cool to fool around on a twin bed with
your roommate in the room in college, but its not so cute as a grown ass adult.
There are some things that become more important with age and money is one of
them. I am not saying that men should pay for everything, no one wants to feel
like the whale with the hovering sucker fish eating all your leftovers, but
both partners should hold their own. Though be aware of being dickmatized
ladies, cause this same friend continued to pay for everything because some
things are worth buying.
Penis: Ok yes, you didn’t think I would skip this very
important size distinction did you? Men, I know we told you that it doesn’t
matter and that its all the motion in the ocean, but dude, we lied. It really
matters. Though fear not because size is relative, and its about length, girth
and growth. I have been in fact mighty impressed by the grower not the shower.
And its not because I or other women have huge vaginas, its because when you
are engaging in an act based on touching and sensation, and you can’t
physically feel anything, it’s a problem. Now you might get angry with me and
suggest that its not the only thing that matters, but its pretty damn
important. Take another friend’s experience. Girl meets boy. Boy and girl fall
into that quick exciting romance that sends shivers down your spine every time
they touch. They send the adorable text messages at 2 am and fall deep and
hard. So inevitably boy and girl get naked and it turns out that boy does not
go deep and hard. In fact, she could barely feel the poor mini wiener. So what
was girl to do, continue being in love with little pinky? Break out a massive
vibrator to further deplete his ego? Well folks I hate to break it to you, but
what she felt in emotion she did not feel in her vagina, so she had to say buh-bye.
I am not saying there’s no hope for you small Chihuahuas out there, I’m just
saying study up and get really good at what you do. Tantric, gymnastic, upside down,
or swings, find a way to her done because honey, it really fucking matters.
