The Pros and Cons of Living Together

If you're living in a city like New York where the cost of rent brings heart wrenching pity from your Midwestern buddies, it's all too easy to decide to share this burden with another person. Some resort to roommates, some air bnb their offices, and still other foolish couples decide to move in together perhaps sooner than necessary. The trauma and the adultness of such a step takes slightly less time than reasonable in our fair city, and now that I fall in this category I thought I would compile a list of pros and cons to help you poor souls still trying to decide.

Pro: You always have a friend around.

Con: You have literally NO privacy. So yes boys and girls we all do intimate things to ourselves when no one is around but that's hard to do when a person is always there. Now it's weird to go in the bedroom and lock the door to take yourself to pleasure town. NOW you have your significant other giving their two cents about fresh produce in the middle of trimming your pubes. Or not even that, maybe you just want to inspect that weird looking bump on some unflattering part of your body. Its hard to do these things while in constant fear of your partner walking in. Is there no sacred space anymore?

Pro: You spend an inordinate amount of time together.

Con: You spend an inordinate amount of time together. On one hand you are really happy you have someone to hibernate with through the winter. But it starts to become a selfish need where any time apart feels like a selfish act on the part of the other person and you go through this withdrawal that feels unimaginable. What happened to you? You used to do things alone remember? You don't need your partner around to help you get through the awkwardness of a coworker birthday party. You can do awkward all by yourself. And hey, you don't need that human furnace you call a lover in bed to help you fall asleep! You're are a grown ass person and you can get up and get a blanket damnit. Yeah, INDEPENDENCE!

Pro: You have someone to help you clean.

Con: Someone now knows how truly disgusting you are. Not only is it embarrassing to admit that you're a total slob, but now literally your dirty laundry is exposed. "No I didn't just shit myself, those underwear hanging in the shower have period stains. Big difference." Suddenly the feminine mystique stops being so mystical.

Pro: You have someone to help you make dinner.

Con: You've become your fucking parents. Used to be you decided your dinner on the way home from work, or you succumbed to Popeyes and no one was there to judge you. But now dinner has become a 20 minute conversation, based on a minutia of variables including health, diet, amount of laziness involved (because there are multiple of levels), money, and groceries available. The conversation might go like this-

What do you want for dinner?
I don't know anything.
How bout Mexican?
No I had tacos for lunch. Besides beans give me gas. How bout pasta?
No not pasta, I'm trying to eat full paleo this week. How bout sushi?
No after sushi I'm hungry like 15 minutes later and I'm really hungry right now. How bout Mexican?
Done.

When did dinner get so fucking complicated?! Just put some food in your mouth a chew you bastards!

Pro: You think you will have sex all the time

Con: In reality you have sex mayyyybe once a week in between dinner and Good Eats. And you can forget about blow jobs, it's no longer necessary for your girlfriend to impress you with those. We already got you. And men, please don't act like you're giving your fair amount of head because you ain't and yes maybe I'm not requesting it because I haven't shaved down there for months because once again I'm done trying to impress you.

Pro: You achieve an incredible amount of intimacy and closeness together.

Con: You no longer respect each other's boundaries. Farts? I stopped holding them back months ago. Going to the bathroom with the door open. Check. Pointing out unsightly body hair, go. Plucking said nipple hair in front of them, you betcha. And you may wonder if this causes you to be less attracted to this person, and it might, but the level of confidence it takes to proudly belch after eating garlic pizza in front of someone you love brings you right back in.

After reading through this list it might appear that there are more cons than pros, but honestly it has genuinely been wonderful living with my best friend. I feel like I'm finally living an episode of Friends where everyone is unrealistically happy all the time. Sure I have lived with other boyfriends where it did not work out so well, BUT I learned what exact cons are deal breakers. So final advice: GO FOR IT! Because chances are you do all these things in front of your other best friends so you might as well do it in front of someone you get naked in front of.

The Plight of the Big Booty Babes

Now they say it’s the time of the booty. Sure, many songs have been written about booties in the last year (thanks to that bass no treble), Kim Kardashian doesn’t seem to go away, apparently leggings as pants is now officially a “thing,” and giant ads for Brazilian butt lifts beautify our skies. Yes these are good times to be a bootylicious babe. And though we are in a current era of admiration, I thought I’d share with you some of the trials and tribulations of the curvy broads.

1.     

         Pants. Fucking pants. Did you know that regular pants don’t quite work on a curvy lady? Remember the last time you laughed at a lady showing her butt crack? Yeah that lady was me. When a curvy lady such as myself puts on skinny girl jeans, my wide booty pulls the waist of the pants down to make up for the wide atmosphere that needs covering. I’ve tried to compensate by wearing a belt, but then I get that sexy muffin top look everyone goes on about. No my friends, there is no winning with regular pants, so one has to just commit to granny pannys covering the crack (which I hear gets the boys hot n bothered),  or go for the whale tail look. BUT there is hope! There are a few jean designers that have started to make “curvy” jeans. One of which is called Not Your Daughters jeans, which is awesome because god knows I want to look like a mom in my 40’s (no offense moms, some of you are killing it) or good ole Levis makes a good curvy jean. But Se7ens, True Religion, Citizens of Humanity…forget it. Save your extra cash for that hole that will inevitably develop in the crotch of your jeans from your voluptuous self.

2.     Speaking of voluptuous self, did you know those booty shorts that you love are downright painful? PAINFUL. Why you ask? Jennifer Lopez is always smiling, how bad could it be? Well friends, to have a sturdy ass you need some sturdy thighs. And to have sturdy thighs means they rub together in the heat of summer causing unbearable chaffing and rashes. Not. So. Cute. Now I’ve tried all the remedies that I can think of- Vaseline, baby powder, Cortisone, lube, you name it! Nothing works! But you know what, beauty is pain and when I wear those booty shorts and someone attempts to put a drink on that ass….well you know it was worth it.

3.      Now I have made this complaint before, but having a big ass requires its own atmosphere, and weight and gravity are attracted to it. What does this mean? Well it means that my weight will never accurately depict what it probably is. My ass literally weighs 15 extra pounds! Then when I go to look up my Body Mass Index it tells me I’m obese! Seriously, obese!! Who are these tiny white people making up this chart! Why don’t they account for the booty mass index!? Someone please tell me I’m normal!

4.      Finally, there was that time when I didn’t accept my assy ass as the great thing that it is, and this had tragic effects on my self-esteem. Sure, big butts have been in vogue in black and brown culture since forever. After all, I grew up with a slew of men lavishing gifts to my mother to get close to bumpin that bottom (where do you think I got mine from). But it took me moving to Harlem and working in the Bronx to truly appreciate my gift. I know I’m not supposed to admit this, and mostly it is harassment, but sometimes when someone yells compliments at your curvaceous physique, you start to take the compliment. “Thank you Dominican man for noticing the extravagance of my ass, perhaps you could say that a little more respectfully?”

More to the point, when I was younger society told me that I was unusual, fat even. But as I got older and more worldly, I discovered that the ass was not only desired, but an asset (sorry couldn’t resist that pun). I can’t tell you the fascination I have encountered from enamored white men. They constantly touch, rub, bounce, and slap these buns with complete abandon. And while that’s nice (and sometimes painful) I wonder what progress we big booty babes could have made with the outspoken acceptance of said curves. And I can’t believe I’m saying this, but maybe I should be thanking Kim Kardashian for so loudly putting in the forefront what men everywhere have been lusting for since the beginning of time. Which leads me to wonder why haven’t we always been celebrating the sacred derriere? And so I dedicate this to other big booty babes that maybe have not yet accepted the awesomeness of being a big booty ho (though you’re not a ho, you’re an extremely amazing beautiful woman).