Now they say it’s the time of the booty. Sure, many songs
have been written about booties in the last year (thanks to that bass no
treble), Kim Kardashian doesn’t seem to go away, apparently leggings as pants
is now officially a “thing,” and giant ads for Brazilian butt lifts beautify
our skies. Yes these are good times to be a bootylicious babe. And though we
are in a current era of admiration, I thought I’d share with you some of the
trials and tribulations of the curvy broads.
1.
Pants. Fucking pants. Did you know that regular
pants don’t quite work on a curvy lady? Remember the last time you laughed at a
lady showing her butt crack? Yeah that lady was me. When a curvy lady such as myself
puts on skinny girl jeans, my wide booty pulls the waist of the pants down to
make up for the wide atmosphere that needs covering. I’ve tried to compensate
by wearing a belt, but then I get that sexy muffin top look everyone goes on
about. No my friends, there is no winning with regular pants, so one has to
just commit to granny pannys covering the crack (which I hear gets the boys hot
n bothered), or go for the whale tail
look. BUT there is hope! There are a few jean designers that have started to make
“curvy” jeans. One of which is called Not Your Daughters jeans, which is
awesome because god knows I want to look like a mom in my 40’s (no offense
moms, some of you are killing it) or good ole Levis makes a good curvy jean.
But Se7ens, True Religion, Citizens of Humanity…forget it. Save your extra cash
for that hole that will inevitably develop in the crotch of your jeans from
your voluptuous self.
2. Speaking of voluptuous self, did you know those
booty shorts that you love are downright painful? PAINFUL. Why you ask?
Jennifer Lopez is always smiling, how bad could it be? Well friends, to have a
sturdy ass you need some sturdy thighs. And to have sturdy thighs means they
rub together in the heat of summer causing unbearable chaffing and rashes. Not.
So. Cute. Now I’ve tried all the remedies that I can think of- Vaseline, baby
powder, Cortisone, lube, you name it! Nothing works! But you know what, beauty
is pain and when I wear those booty shorts and someone attempts to put a drink
on that ass….well you know it was worth it.
3.
Now I have made this complaint before, but
having a big ass requires its own atmosphere, and weight and gravity are
attracted to it. What does this mean? Well it means that my weight will never
accurately depict what it probably is. My ass literally weighs 15 extra pounds!
Then when I go to look up my Body Mass Index it tells me I’m obese! Seriously,
obese!! Who are these tiny white people making up this chart! Why don’t they
account for the booty mass index!? Someone please tell me I’m normal!
4.
Finally, there was that time when I didn’t
accept my assy ass as the great thing that it is, and this had tragic effects
on my self-esteem. Sure, big butts have been in vogue in black and brown
culture since forever. After all, I grew up with a slew of men lavishing gifts
to my mother to get close to bumpin that bottom (where do you think I got mine
from). But it took me moving to Harlem and working in the Bronx to truly
appreciate my gift. I know I’m not supposed to admit this, and mostly it is
harassment, but sometimes when someone yells compliments at your curvaceous
physique, you start to take the compliment. “Thank you Dominican man for
noticing the extravagance of my ass, perhaps you could say that a little more
respectfully?”
More to the point, when I was
younger society told me that I was unusual, fat even. But as I got older and
more worldly, I discovered that the ass was not only desired, but an asset
(sorry couldn’t resist that pun). I can’t tell you the fascination I have
encountered from enamored white men. They constantly touch, rub, bounce, and
slap these buns with complete abandon. And while that’s nice (and sometimes
painful) I wonder what progress we big booty babes could have made with the
outspoken acceptance of said curves. And I can’t believe I’m saying this, but
maybe I should be thanking Kim Kardashian for so loudly putting in the
forefront what men everywhere have been lusting for since the beginning of
time. Which leads me to wonder why haven’t we always been celebrating the
sacred derriere? And so I dedicate this to other big booty babes that maybe
have not yet accepted the awesomeness of being a big booty ho (though you’re
not a ho, you’re an extremely amazing beautiful woman).
