On Dating Vegan:

First off, let’s agree that being in a relationship consists of 80% eating. The weekend brunch, the Friday night fancy dinner, late night snacks… they say every happy couple gains 15 pounds.  I know I did, in fact I went on a diet the day after my last relationship ended. Nothing says sexy comfort like a soft pudgy mid section. But lets face it people, food is the center of boring relationship time. So what does one do when the choices of restaurants are severely limited by your partner? Do I convert to eating a less delicious version of what I enjoy most? Do I embrace the tempeh bacon, the soy cheese, the tofu scramble? To all my bacon loving friends out there I have two words: Hell. No.

So that alone set the tone for my next dating adventure. Vegan=more boring. Yes I dated a vegan in high school, but I was 14 and experimenting with sexuality, drugs, and yes even vegan dating. I never considered it a real possibility in my adult life. So here I am, with a vegan, drinking hot chocolate (he’s drinking dark chocolate of course) in the middle of a blizzard. Now I understand from Paula Abdul that opposites attract, but I am not so sure this is true in every circumstance. For example:

1. I am a chatty Kathy. He is not. What this means is I continue blathering on incessantly while he continues nodding. This makes me so uncomfortable that I just nervously talk more revealing unnecessary details about myself. “Yeah I was thinking about a colonic. Except for you know, the discomfort of it all…Maybe a cleanse is the more reasonable option…”
2. He is a major nerd. Like he reads comics religiously, plays video games on all 4 of his systems, and spent a year and a half of his life playing World of Warcraft as a source of income. Yes, I said income. Meaning he sold his “gold” for real money. Am I the only person that finds this strange and ironic? While I have been accused of being a dork, an eccentric, a hipster, or in fact a total weirdo, but a nerd? I think not.
3. He is chubby. Possibly fat. I thought vegans ate fucking vegetables?? Salads, broccoli, celery?? This is my diet menu!! Why then is he holding on to his pounds like he’s carrying baggage? Oh, did I mention his baggage?
4. There are 3 suitcases that can be declared as baggage. Suitcase number one has his drug charge. Now I’m from California so when it comes to weed I don’t judge as harshly. He was living in Missouri (which I now understand to be hickville) when he got caught with a pound of weed. Why did he have a pound of weed you ask? Obviously he was dealing to his World of Warcraft friends. How else can you justify not moving for 8 hours a day and being fixated on a fictitious world?
5. So. What’s in suitcase 2 and 3 you may ask? How bout kid 1 and kid 2. Yeah. As baggage goes, that’s pretty heavy. Kid 1 comes from the first time he ever had sex and she got pregnant. That movie Juno, turns out to be based on his real life. Except that Michael Cera’s character should have been played by Jonah Hill. And you must tell yourself well lesson learned…shit happens..condoms suck…blah blah blah… Well how bout making that mistake TWICE! As in two different baby mamas! He thought she was on the pill…pull out method usually works…blah blah the usual. EXCEPT THAT’S NOT USUAL!

Is it? Have I gotten to the age where everyone has baggage? Kids and a pot belly? Is that what my quarter life crisis has come to? I have only the anti social nerds to choose from! Sex in the City did not describe the chronicles of the quiet nerd! Is not outrage the appropriate response? He was sweet and nice, but is it horrible that I need to a guy to be a fit, well paid asshole! Treat me like shit, and then I love you! As long as you pay for stuff and have the ability to lift me off the bed, then Im picturing my trophy wife life! So Im sorry to say, vegan take out is NOT on the current menu.