I've been contemplating on what to write about, since my
crazy dating fodder has been impeded by gasp, the beginnings of a relationship
(of which I'm not even sure about since "the conversation" didn't
really clear things up but just ended with him changing the subject with sex,
but i guess I'm ok with that). So I thought I'd ruminate on some annoying
things that no one ever bothers to share with you about fake or even real
relationships. And what is a blog for if not to bitch about things that annoy
you?
1. Shower sex: Why do the movies not express to you how uncomfortable it really is? Let me be the one to tell you how the scene actually goes. Sure Janet Leigh looks sexy in the shower but I actually do not. I think wet dog might be a more accurate description, coupled with the fact that when I'm in the shower, I expect to do some actual cleaning! But as it turns out shaving armpits is not that sexy. Once the other partner is there, you are either drowning in a face full of water, or freezing on the other end waiting for your partner to stop hogging all the warmth. Then if there is actual soaping going on its all fun and games till we get to the soaping of the private bits. The guy pauses and ponders, should I or shouldn't I? The answer: SHOULDN'T! Bitch that stings! I don't put soap up in the vijay, neither should you. But now that got him all excited, so you move on to sexy time. First, wash off your peen cause like I said no one needs a literal uterus cleanse (or a colon cleanse if that's your thing). Second, commence awkward stand up sex where your boobs are pressed against the cold tile, and you both fully understand your height differences. Or you could risk getting picked up only to slip and fall and explain to your boss how you threw your back out. Or maybe you change positions where you either get a face full of water, again, or feel like that aging grandma floating on a iceberg in the arctic. Again. See folks, shower sex is practically a no win situation, so do yourself a favor and stick to bathing in the shower and keep sex in the other rooms of your house. Also, if you are bathing together, lets keep peeing in the shower as a private thing one does. I can tell you from experience that this is not cute, and its not nearly the profession of intimacy you thought it would be. BAM.
2. Body hair: Alright so once on the dating scene you do some hair maintenance, or some manscaping. After all you never know when someone is going to visit your bush lands, so it's better to keep it the barren desert. This also means that as a lady you need to endure pouring scalding hot wax on your most sensitive bits, and then have those sensitive hairs ripped out by an Asian lady that has no body hair of her own. Seriously, can we just pause for a second to contemplate how masochistic this is! And ladies, can we just talk about how the Brazilian fucks up your pee stream? I mean you've been peeing with hair down there to guide it from your very best squat position most of your life, and all of a sudden it's Niagara Falls! And nothing says cute like pee on your pants.
So now that you've landed you man or lady with that perfect little love garden, how often should you maintain it? Like, am I really expected to keep up this overly saturated porn aesthetic for the rest of our days together? I just don't really find that realistic nor desirable. And having spoken to a lot of married or almost married women about it, it turns out no one does. In fact, most agreed that they don't even shave their legs anymore. BAM. What the porn movies never told you.
3. Oral sex: Think of the times when you go to a movie and watch a preview for a seemingly hysterical Adam Sandler movie, and you get so excited that you actually see it only to realize that the funniest bits in the whole damn thing were in the preview, and now that you saw that a hundred times those moments aren't even funny anymore (but let's face it kids, Sandler hasn't been funny since Happy Gilmore). Well this is the perfect analogy for oral sex. Sure, the first few times you show off your best moves, show off that level of time commitment you are willing to spend down under; therefore making you the ultimate expertise lover you always pictured yourself as. But as the months and years go by, you realize this shit is not in the movie. You are not young anymore, and you're not gonna give bjs just because you are on your period. In fact, the injustice of getting on your knees when all you want to do is rip your uterus out is just too much to bare. And since we established that we are no longer trimming the hedges, he's not going any where near that jungle. And let's face it, the boys never knew what they were doing down there anyway. It kinda felt like they were throwing out all their tongue Kung Fu moves hoping to land a blow. Guys a tongue is a poor replacement for what a penis can do. Yeah, that tap on your shoulder means I surrender, now get to the job that you were born to do. BAM.
Folks, I hope I've shared with you some wisdom that your mother never went into (but should have) during her birds and the bees talk. And yes, feel free to pay it forward and spread the word. And if you have any other suggestions, please bring them on. I for one am not nearly done ranting because the movies just lie to us so damn much. Some topics I am pondering:
-that intimate moment when you decide to fart or better yet poop in front of your partner.
-trading blow jobs for favors. "If you do the laundry it's at least 2 blow jobs."
-discovering each others hygiene limits. "No I don't share my toothbrush with anyone."
-some people like to cook and some people like to clean, but people rarely like to do both. "Fuck yo couch!"
BAM. Your welcome.
1. Shower sex: Why do the movies not express to you how uncomfortable it really is? Let me be the one to tell you how the scene actually goes. Sure Janet Leigh looks sexy in the shower but I actually do not. I think wet dog might be a more accurate description, coupled with the fact that when I'm in the shower, I expect to do some actual cleaning! But as it turns out shaving armpits is not that sexy. Once the other partner is there, you are either drowning in a face full of water, or freezing on the other end waiting for your partner to stop hogging all the warmth. Then if there is actual soaping going on its all fun and games till we get to the soaping of the private bits. The guy pauses and ponders, should I or shouldn't I? The answer: SHOULDN'T! Bitch that stings! I don't put soap up in the vijay, neither should you. But now that got him all excited, so you move on to sexy time. First, wash off your peen cause like I said no one needs a literal uterus cleanse (or a colon cleanse if that's your thing). Second, commence awkward stand up sex where your boobs are pressed against the cold tile, and you both fully understand your height differences. Or you could risk getting picked up only to slip and fall and explain to your boss how you threw your back out. Or maybe you change positions where you either get a face full of water, again, or feel like that aging grandma floating on a iceberg in the arctic. Again. See folks, shower sex is practically a no win situation, so do yourself a favor and stick to bathing in the shower and keep sex in the other rooms of your house. Also, if you are bathing together, lets keep peeing in the shower as a private thing one does. I can tell you from experience that this is not cute, and its not nearly the profession of intimacy you thought it would be. BAM.
2. Body hair: Alright so once on the dating scene you do some hair maintenance, or some manscaping. After all you never know when someone is going to visit your bush lands, so it's better to keep it the barren desert. This also means that as a lady you need to endure pouring scalding hot wax on your most sensitive bits, and then have those sensitive hairs ripped out by an Asian lady that has no body hair of her own. Seriously, can we just pause for a second to contemplate how masochistic this is! And ladies, can we just talk about how the Brazilian fucks up your pee stream? I mean you've been peeing with hair down there to guide it from your very best squat position most of your life, and all of a sudden it's Niagara Falls! And nothing says cute like pee on your pants.
So now that you've landed you man or lady with that perfect little love garden, how often should you maintain it? Like, am I really expected to keep up this overly saturated porn aesthetic for the rest of our days together? I just don't really find that realistic nor desirable. And having spoken to a lot of married or almost married women about it, it turns out no one does. In fact, most agreed that they don't even shave their legs anymore. BAM. What the porn movies never told you.
3. Oral sex: Think of the times when you go to a movie and watch a preview for a seemingly hysterical Adam Sandler movie, and you get so excited that you actually see it only to realize that the funniest bits in the whole damn thing were in the preview, and now that you saw that a hundred times those moments aren't even funny anymore (but let's face it kids, Sandler hasn't been funny since Happy Gilmore). Well this is the perfect analogy for oral sex. Sure, the first few times you show off your best moves, show off that level of time commitment you are willing to spend down under; therefore making you the ultimate expertise lover you always pictured yourself as. But as the months and years go by, you realize this shit is not in the movie. You are not young anymore, and you're not gonna give bjs just because you are on your period. In fact, the injustice of getting on your knees when all you want to do is rip your uterus out is just too much to bare. And since we established that we are no longer trimming the hedges, he's not going any where near that jungle. And let's face it, the boys never knew what they were doing down there anyway. It kinda felt like they were throwing out all their tongue Kung Fu moves hoping to land a blow. Guys a tongue is a poor replacement for what a penis can do. Yeah, that tap on your shoulder means I surrender, now get to the job that you were born to do. BAM.
Folks, I hope I've shared with you some wisdom that your mother never went into (but should have) during her birds and the bees talk. And yes, feel free to pay it forward and spread the word. And if you have any other suggestions, please bring them on. I for one am not nearly done ranting because the movies just lie to us so damn much. Some topics I am pondering:
-that intimate moment when you decide to fart or better yet poop in front of your partner.
-trading blow jobs for favors. "If you do the laundry it's at least 2 blow jobs."
-discovering each others hygiene limits. "No I don't share my toothbrush with anyone."
-some people like to cook and some people like to clean, but people rarely like to do both. "Fuck yo couch!"
BAM. Your welcome.
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