Seeking Male Roommate with Benefits

Currently seeking male roommate to act as live in boyfriend. The arrangement should benefit both parties so the following rules were developed:

1. Must be willing to split rent in an otherwise unaffordable apartment. As such you must have a decent job that does not allow you to skimp on things like toilet paper. We live in 2013, you need to invest in 2 ply.

2. Since we will still be living in Manhattan we will need to share a one bedroom. This means every night you will have to perform one of three tasks. A) some kind of sexy time, which will end in some form of mutual pleasure. B) cuddles while watching Netflix in bed. Or c) completely ignore each other on opposite sides of the bed. At which time feel free to engage in your own solo sexy time.

3. We are not a couple. So we are free to see whoever else we want. We are not free however to bring any old scum off the stoop home. All visits must be pre approved, and for obvious reasons no over nights, unless a threesome has been arranged.

4. All food will be shared, and all chores will be shared. I cook, you wash dishes. I laundry, you fold. I make the bed....well that's not right, I never make the bed. Point is, I ain't your house wench.

5. If needed, the occasional boyfriend duty must be performed, such as: attending weddings (so that I don't get stuck with the other understandably single table), family functions (look mom I'm seeing someone), and double dates with friends that never leave the house without their partner. In fact, I can do without all third wheel scenarios. I will of course reciprocate this important part of the agreement.

6. Perhaps this goes without saying but you must be attractive. I'm at least a 7 and you should be too. I get enough 5s and 4s on okCupid. Also, you should be a little bit of an asshole. I don't want to actually like you, otherwise I'd want to date you for real and that screws this whole deal.

7. We should agree on 1-2x a month bro night or lady night, during which time I will make myself scarce and not act like the annoying girlfriend, and if you ask to stay around during my girl night you are clearly not interested in rule 2 section a. I give as much of a shit about baseball as you do about the difference between super and regular sized tampons. I'm not your girlfriend and I don't have to pretend to care. DVR will be provided to solve all tv scheduling conflicts.

I think these rules are made in the best interest of both parties but I am open to suggestions. All interested parties should respond via email with a photo of yourself and penis size. Thank you for your interest and have a nice day.