The Pros and Cons of Living Together

If you're living in a city like New York where the cost of rent brings heart wrenching pity from your Midwestern buddies, it's all too easy to decide to share this burden with another person. Some resort to roommates, some air bnb their offices, and still other foolish couples decide to move in together perhaps sooner than necessary. The trauma and the adultness of such a step takes slightly less time than reasonable in our fair city, and now that I fall in this category I thought I would compile a list of pros and cons to help you poor souls still trying to decide.

Pro: You always have a friend around.

Con: You have literally NO privacy. So yes boys and girls we all do intimate things to ourselves when no one is around but that's hard to do when a person is always there. Now it's weird to go in the bedroom and lock the door to take yourself to pleasure town. NOW you have your significant other giving their two cents about fresh produce in the middle of trimming your pubes. Or not even that, maybe you just want to inspect that weird looking bump on some unflattering part of your body. Its hard to do these things while in constant fear of your partner walking in. Is there no sacred space anymore?

Pro: You spend an inordinate amount of time together.

Con: You spend an inordinate amount of time together. On one hand you are really happy you have someone to hibernate with through the winter. But it starts to become a selfish need where any time apart feels like a selfish act on the part of the other person and you go through this withdrawal that feels unimaginable. What happened to you? You used to do things alone remember? You don't need your partner around to help you get through the awkwardness of a coworker birthday party. You can do awkward all by yourself. And hey, you don't need that human furnace you call a lover in bed to help you fall asleep! You're are a grown ass person and you can get up and get a blanket damnit. Yeah, INDEPENDENCE!

Pro: You have someone to help you clean.

Con: Someone now knows how truly disgusting you are. Not only is it embarrassing to admit that you're a total slob, but now literally your dirty laundry is exposed. "No I didn't just shit myself, those underwear hanging in the shower have period stains. Big difference." Suddenly the feminine mystique stops being so mystical.

Pro: You have someone to help you make dinner.

Con: You've become your fucking parents. Used to be you decided your dinner on the way home from work, or you succumbed to Popeyes and no one was there to judge you. But now dinner has become a 20 minute conversation, based on a minutia of variables including health, diet, amount of laziness involved (because there are multiple of levels), money, and groceries available. The conversation might go like this-

What do you want for dinner?
I don't know anything.
How bout Mexican?
No I had tacos for lunch. Besides beans give me gas. How bout pasta?
No not pasta, I'm trying to eat full paleo this week. How bout sushi?
No after sushi I'm hungry like 15 minutes later and I'm really hungry right now. How bout Mexican?
Done.

When did dinner get so fucking complicated?! Just put some food in your mouth a chew you bastards!

Pro: You think you will have sex all the time

Con: In reality you have sex mayyyybe once a week in between dinner and Good Eats. And you can forget about blow jobs, it's no longer necessary for your girlfriend to impress you with those. We already got you. And men, please don't act like you're giving your fair amount of head because you ain't and yes maybe I'm not requesting it because I haven't shaved down there for months because once again I'm done trying to impress you.

Pro: You achieve an incredible amount of intimacy and closeness together.

Con: You no longer respect each other's boundaries. Farts? I stopped holding them back months ago. Going to the bathroom with the door open. Check. Pointing out unsightly body hair, go. Plucking said nipple hair in front of them, you betcha. And you may wonder if this causes you to be less attracted to this person, and it might, but the level of confidence it takes to proudly belch after eating garlic pizza in front of someone you love brings you right back in.

After reading through this list it might appear that there are more cons than pros, but honestly it has genuinely been wonderful living with my best friend. I feel like I'm finally living an episode of Friends where everyone is unrealistically happy all the time. Sure I have lived with other boyfriends where it did not work out so well, BUT I learned what exact cons are deal breakers. So final advice: GO FOR IT! Because chances are you do all these things in front of your other best friends so you might as well do it in front of someone you get naked in front of.

The Plight of the Big Booty Babes

Now they say it’s the time of the booty. Sure, many songs have been written about booties in the last year (thanks to that bass no treble), Kim Kardashian doesn’t seem to go away, apparently leggings as pants is now officially a “thing,” and giant ads for Brazilian butt lifts beautify our skies. Yes these are good times to be a bootylicious babe. And though we are in a current era of admiration, I thought I’d share with you some of the trials and tribulations of the curvy broads.

1.     

         Pants. Fucking pants. Did you know that regular pants don’t quite work on a curvy lady? Remember the last time you laughed at a lady showing her butt crack? Yeah that lady was me. When a curvy lady such as myself puts on skinny girl jeans, my wide booty pulls the waist of the pants down to make up for the wide atmosphere that needs covering. I’ve tried to compensate by wearing a belt, but then I get that sexy muffin top look everyone goes on about. No my friends, there is no winning with regular pants, so one has to just commit to granny pannys covering the crack (which I hear gets the boys hot n bothered),  or go for the whale tail look. BUT there is hope! There are a few jean designers that have started to make “curvy” jeans. One of which is called Not Your Daughters jeans, which is awesome because god knows I want to look like a mom in my 40’s (no offense moms, some of you are killing it) or good ole Levis makes a good curvy jean. But Se7ens, True Religion, Citizens of Humanity…forget it. Save your extra cash for that hole that will inevitably develop in the crotch of your jeans from your voluptuous self.

2.     Speaking of voluptuous self, did you know those booty shorts that you love are downright painful? PAINFUL. Why you ask? Jennifer Lopez is always smiling, how bad could it be? Well friends, to have a sturdy ass you need some sturdy thighs. And to have sturdy thighs means they rub together in the heat of summer causing unbearable chaffing and rashes. Not. So. Cute. Now I’ve tried all the remedies that I can think of- Vaseline, baby powder, Cortisone, lube, you name it! Nothing works! But you know what, beauty is pain and when I wear those booty shorts and someone attempts to put a drink on that ass….well you know it was worth it.

3.      Now I have made this complaint before, but having a big ass requires its own atmosphere, and weight and gravity are attracted to it. What does this mean? Well it means that my weight will never accurately depict what it probably is. My ass literally weighs 15 extra pounds! Then when I go to look up my Body Mass Index it tells me I’m obese! Seriously, obese!! Who are these tiny white people making up this chart! Why don’t they account for the booty mass index!? Someone please tell me I’m normal!

4.      Finally, there was that time when I didn’t accept my assy ass as the great thing that it is, and this had tragic effects on my self-esteem. Sure, big butts have been in vogue in black and brown culture since forever. After all, I grew up with a slew of men lavishing gifts to my mother to get close to bumpin that bottom (where do you think I got mine from). But it took me moving to Harlem and working in the Bronx to truly appreciate my gift. I know I’m not supposed to admit this, and mostly it is harassment, but sometimes when someone yells compliments at your curvaceous physique, you start to take the compliment. “Thank you Dominican man for noticing the extravagance of my ass, perhaps you could say that a little more respectfully?”

More to the point, when I was younger society told me that I was unusual, fat even. But as I got older and more worldly, I discovered that the ass was not only desired, but an asset (sorry couldn’t resist that pun). I can’t tell you the fascination I have encountered from enamored white men. They constantly touch, rub, bounce, and slap these buns with complete abandon. And while that’s nice (and sometimes painful) I wonder what progress we big booty babes could have made with the outspoken acceptance of said curves. And I can’t believe I’m saying this, but maybe I should be thanking Kim Kardashian for so loudly putting in the forefront what men everywhere have been lusting for since the beginning of time. Which leads me to wonder why haven’t we always been celebrating the sacred derriere? And so I dedicate this to other big booty babes that maybe have not yet accepted the awesomeness of being a big booty ho (though you’re not a ho, you’re an extremely amazing beautiful woman). 

The Makings of an Insane Person

I saw a movie preview recently that said that being in love is the socially acceptable way to walk around as an insane person. I can really relate to this quote because its seems that this has happened to me. I have now entered a relationship that has effortlessly transitioned me into insanity, and I couldn't be happier about it. There are of course some downsides to being insane, and well, I've complied a list.

1. You spend endless hours with ONE person. Sometimes I can barely stand to be around myself let alone another person. This means that after you express your dumb thoughts and jokes, they not only don’t judge you, they find it endearing. Trust me as an outsider your fart jokes are not funny but the crazy person in love with you thinks they are.
2. The light of day is just a mere suggestion to go outside but not a requirement. Seriously, daylight is no longer an obligatory indulgence its more like, “we haven’t left the bed in 5 hours and my limbs are going numb. Maybe we should leave the house because our bodies need to absorb vitamin D.”
3. You eat an insane amount. Seriously, why does so much of being in a relationship revolve around food. If we are staring into each others eyes, lets clearly do it over food. The smell of burgers somehow makes our relationship more stable.
4. You start to get anxious when you are not together. You don’t even remember what its like to do things alone anymore. This means you have developed a full on psychological addiction, and must be weaned off of each other with medication or alcohol. This is why when you do go out with friends, this outing revolves around getting obliterated. People have been solving these issues for years with booze.
5. You picture your future 5 years in advance. Meanwhile, you struggle to stay in the same job or even the same apartment year to year. You can’t even pay your future bills. But surely all the stars will align and you two will stay together long enough to buy a house you can’t afford with kids you don’t really want. Not to mention you want all this despite saying otherwise during your single days. Basically you suffer from major memory lapses of your former self.
6.  Speaking of losing your former self, you have also forgotten how to speak like your former self. All of sudden your personal vocabulary has been hijacked to sound more and more like that little kid across the hall. Your voice goes down an octave or two into baby talk whereby you call each other ridiculous names like boo boo and care bear. You even start to care about things you never cared about before. Your boyfriend is a history buff and suddenly you can name every president of the last 100 years. Yes civil war documentaries really are thrilling all of a sudden. And he knows way too much about beauty products. He even starts to use your fancy products and likes it.
7. Probably the most fun part about being insane is all the crazy amount of sex you’re having. Did you know you could have sex 8 times in a single day? I didn’t know that either, and I still don’t know but I feel like I’m working up to finding out. Your body has been stretched to limits so much that you weren’t even aware that those muscles existed. Then you get up and try it all over again. This, of course is temporary, and your future lack of sex will be on the list of why being in a relationship sucks.

Yes being insane has its positives and negatives. But deep into my honeymoon period I’m swimming in sunshine and rainbows. So I guess I’m not entirely opposed to being insane. 

Why Size Matters

I know that men reading this might have immediately made the “ooohh ouch” face, but I am here to speak for women everywhere to tell you that size does indeed matter. But rest assured I am not only referring to the size of your nether regions, but actually to many things that the portion size matters. For example:

Height: On my Mexican sojourn I realized more than ever, no girl wants some short, short man. As my scuba instructor reminded me, Mexicans are a compact people. So while screening the seas for fish and sexy boat captains, I made sure to crane my neck downward. This led me to find the boat captain of my personal snorkeling tour. Normally I would proceed with more caution than to get on a boat ALONE with a young man, but there was something about his caramel skin, and chiseled body that convinced me. I don’t know if any of you have tried to flirt underwater, but it is rather difficult. All my cute quips have been silenced, all my touching relegated to swimming for my survival. So once back on the boat I let it slide that I didn’t have a boyfriend and soon I found myself putting more than a snorkel in my mouth (not that you dirty birds) with hot and steamy make outs. Now that’s all fine and good (and oh honey it was good) except when I went to get out of the boat and kiss him goodbye, I realized I’m almost a head taller than him. Now I’m not that tall, so it’s not really cute to bend down to you kiss your man like you’re embracing a child. When you stand next to him you don’t want people to think that you’re his babysitter. No my friends, you need a man to stand over you….you know to protect you from monsters and dragons and stuff. Its part of that innate feeling of wanting to be taken care of. Think about it, the princess always ends up with the studly knight, not the motley dwarf. Also there is the short mans disease to consider. You ever notice how short men can be really agro, or buy a lot of flashy things? Its cause their compensating for their lack of size with the size of their overbearing mouth or obnoxious car. Lucky for me though, I found it easy to indulge in a meaningless vacation romance despite what he lacked in height. It turns out we were not doing a lot of standing around together.

Wallet: Yes you may think me shallow, but the size and reach of the wallet matters, and people who say otherwise are liars. Have you ever met a woman that was like, “yes I love dating broke ass dudes that take their lemon and parsley on their plate to go.” When this same friend described the hippie painted car that her date drove in, his silent expectation that she pay for everything, and his very crowded and very small apartment, she actually felt guilty for not being impressed. She considered herself an open minded bay arean liberal, why should she care if the guy she was seeing was a little short on cash? Because money matters people! Its cool to fool around on a twin bed with your roommate in the room in college, but its not so cute as a grown ass adult. There are some things that become more important with age and money is one of them. I am not saying that men should pay for everything, no one wants to feel like the whale with the hovering sucker fish eating all your leftovers, but both partners should hold their own. Though be aware of being dickmatized ladies, cause this same friend continued to pay for everything because some things are worth buying.

Penis: Ok yes, you didn’t think I would skip this very important size distinction did you? Men, I know we told you that it doesn’t matter and that its all the motion in the ocean, but dude, we lied. It really matters. Though fear not because size is relative, and its about length, girth and growth. I have been in fact mighty impressed by the grower not the shower. And its not because I or other women have huge vaginas, its because when you are engaging in an act based on touching and sensation, and you can’t physically feel anything, it’s a problem. Now you might get angry with me and suggest that its not the only thing that matters, but its pretty damn important. Take another friend’s experience. Girl meets boy. Boy and girl fall into that quick exciting romance that sends shivers down your spine every time they touch. They send the adorable text messages at 2 am and fall deep and hard. So inevitably boy and girl get naked and it turns out that boy does not go deep and hard. In fact, she could barely feel the poor mini wiener. So what was girl to do, continue being in love with little pinky? Break out a massive vibrator to further deplete his ego? Well folks I hate to break it to you, but what she felt in emotion she did not feel in her vagina, so she had to say buh-bye. I am not saying there’s no hope for you small Chihuahuas out there, I’m just saying study up and get really good at what you do. Tantric, gymnastic, upside down, or swings, find a way to her done because honey, it really fucking matters. 

Things Your Momma Nor the Movies Never Told Ya

I've been contemplating on what to write about, since my crazy dating fodder has been impeded by gasp, the beginnings of a relationship (of which I'm not even sure about since "the conversation" didn't really clear things up but just ended with him changing the subject with sex, but i guess I'm ok with that). So I thought I'd ruminate on some annoying things that no one ever bothers to share with you about fake or even real relationships. And what is a blog for if not to bitch about things that annoy you?

1. Shower sex: Why do the movies not express to you how uncomfortable it really is? Let me be the one to tell you how the scene actually goes. Sure Janet Leigh looks sexy in the shower but I actually do not. I think wet dog might be a more accurate description, coupled with the fact that when I'm in the shower, I expect to do some actual cleaning! But as it turns out shaving armpits is not that sexy. Once the other partner is there, you are either drowning in a face full of water, or freezing on the other end waiting for your partner to stop hogging all the warmth. Then if there is actual soaping going on its all fun and games till we get to the soaping of the private bits. The guy pauses and ponders, should I or shouldn't I? The answer: SHOULDN'T! Bitch that stings! I don't put soap up in the vijay, neither should you. But now that got him all excited, so you move on to sexy time. First, wash off your peen cause like I said no one needs a literal uterus cleanse (or a colon cleanse if that's your thing). Second, commence awkward stand up sex where your boobs are pressed against the cold tile, and you both fully understand your height differences. Or you could risk getting picked up only to slip and fall and explain to your boss how you threw your back out. Or maybe you change positions where you either get a face full of water, again, or feel like that aging grandma floating on a iceberg in the arctic. Again. See folks, shower sex is practically a no win situation, so do yourself a favor and stick to bathing in the shower and keep sex in the other rooms of your house. Also, if you are bathing together, lets keep peeing in the shower as a private thing one does. I can tell you from experience that this is not cute, and its not nearly the profession of intimacy you thought it would be. BAM.

2. Body hair: Alright so once on the dating scene you do some hair maintenance, or some manscaping. After all you never know when someone is going to visit your bush lands, so it's better to keep it the barren desert. This also means that as a  lady you need to endure pouring scalding hot wax on your most sensitive bits, and then have those sensitive hairs ripped out by an Asian lady that has no body hair of her own. Seriously, can we just pause for a second to contemplate how masochistic this is! And ladies, can we just talk about how the Brazilian fucks up your pee stream? I mean you've been peeing with hair down there to guide it from your very best squat position most of your life, and all of a sudden it's Niagara Falls! And nothing says cute like pee on your pants.

So now that you've landed you man or lady with that perfect little love garden, how often should you maintain it? Like, am I really expected to keep up this overly saturated porn aesthetic for the rest of our days together? I just don't really find that realistic nor desirable. And having spoken to a lot of married or almost married women about it, it turns out no one does. In fact, most agreed that they don't even shave their legs anymore. BAM. What the porn movies never told you.

3. Oral sex: Think of the times when you go to a movie and watch a preview for a seemingly hysterical Adam Sandler movie, and you get so excited that you actually see it only to realize that the funniest bits in the whole damn thing were in the preview, and now that you saw that a hundred times those moments aren't even funny anymore (but let's face it kids, Sandler hasn't been funny since Happy Gilmore). Well this is the perfect analogy for oral sex. Sure, the first few times you show off your best moves, show off that level of time commitment you are willing to spend down under; therefore making you the ultimate expertise lover you always pictured yourself as. But as the months and years go by, you realize this shit is not in the movie. You are not young anymore, and you're not gonna give bjs just because you are on your period. In fact, the injustice of getting on your knees when all you want to do is rip your uterus out is just too much to bare. And since we established that we are no longer trimming the hedges, he's not going any where near that jungle. And let's face it, the boys never knew what they were doing down there anyway. It kinda felt like they were throwing out all their tongue Kung Fu moves hoping to land a blow. Guys a tongue is a poor replacement for what a penis can do. Yeah, that tap on your shoulder means I surrender, now get to the job that you were born to do. BAM.

Folks, I hope I've shared with you some wisdom that your mother never went into (but should have) during her birds and the bees talk. And yes, feel free to pay it forward and spread the word. And if you have any other suggestions, please bring them on. I for one am not nearly done ranting because the movies just lie to us so damn much. Some topics I am pondering:

-that intimate moment when you decide to fart or better yet poop in front of your partner.
-trading blow jobs for favors. "If you do the laundry it's at least 2 blow jobs."
-discovering each others hygiene limits. "No I don't share my toothbrush with anyone."
-some people like to cook and some people like to clean, but people rarely like to do both. "Fuck yo couch!"

BAM. Your welcome. 

Seeking Male Roommate with Benefits

Currently seeking male roommate to act as live in boyfriend. The arrangement should benefit both parties so the following rules were developed:

1. Must be willing to split rent in an otherwise unaffordable apartment. As such you must have a decent job that does not allow you to skimp on things like toilet paper. We live in 2013, you need to invest in 2 ply.

2. Since we will still be living in Manhattan we will need to share a one bedroom. This means every night you will have to perform one of three tasks. A) some kind of sexy time, which will end in some form of mutual pleasure. B) cuddles while watching Netflix in bed. Or c) completely ignore each other on opposite sides of the bed. At which time feel free to engage in your own solo sexy time.

3. We are not a couple. So we are free to see whoever else we want. We are not free however to bring any old scum off the stoop home. All visits must be pre approved, and for obvious reasons no over nights, unless a threesome has been arranged.

4. All food will be shared, and all chores will be shared. I cook, you wash dishes. I laundry, you fold. I make the bed....well that's not right, I never make the bed. Point is, I ain't your house wench.

5. If needed, the occasional boyfriend duty must be performed, such as: attending weddings (so that I don't get stuck with the other understandably single table), family functions (look mom I'm seeing someone), and double dates with friends that never leave the house without their partner. In fact, I can do without all third wheel scenarios. I will of course reciprocate this important part of the agreement.

6. Perhaps this goes without saying but you must be attractive. I'm at least a 7 and you should be too. I get enough 5s and 4s on okCupid. Also, you should be a little bit of an asshole. I don't want to actually like you, otherwise I'd want to date you for real and that screws this whole deal.

7. We should agree on 1-2x a month bro night or lady night, during which time I will make myself scarce and not act like the annoying girlfriend, and if you ask to stay around during my girl night you are clearly not interested in rule 2 section a. I give as much of a shit about baseball as you do about the difference between super and regular sized tampons. I'm not your girlfriend and I don't have to pretend to care. DVR will be provided to solve all tv scheduling conflicts.

I think these rules are made in the best interest of both parties but I am open to suggestions. All interested parties should respond via email with a photo of yourself and penis size. Thank you for your interest and have a nice day.

How Nice is TOO Nice?

The problem with too nice isn't that the niceness is offensive, it's more that I spend my time waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because let's face it people, no one is nice all the time. Sometimes it feels good to be a bitch or it feels good to be an asshole. It's part of our nature. The other day I cussed out a guy for banging on my bathroom door and it felt so good, I made a mental note to do it as much as possible. "Hey asshole, you just cut me in line!" I think this is why New Yorkers are so aggresive, it just feels too good. But anyway, I digress.

So while the unwizened, unjaded, unscorned women left may fall for the niceness, I am highly suspicious of it. In this way, my mother and i are cut from the same cloth, and I know this because she warned me to begin with. Loud and clear she declared: Don't trust Dominicans. She could never get into the details of why she felt so strongly about them but she said very seriously on the phone that they were sexy yes, but god damn womanizers. Now this Latin lover is no ordinary Dominican. He's practically the whitest Dominican I've ever met! He's been to DR only once, doesn't listen to Latin music, definitely can't dance, and doesn't even like baseball. Ok that last one is not true, of course he likes baseball.

Still, I felt like I was in the clear. He was easy to trust, handsome, funny, and very accommodating. For the month that we went out he picked me up in his fancy car, drove us to dinner, paid for everything. He practically pulled my chair out for me. I think I even laughed because it seemed so out of touch, so ridiculous? (A rant on how our standards have fallen to come later) It seemed to be going so well that I envisioned us..gasp.. In a relationship! We would go hiking in the sunshine and bring a picnic. We would cook lobster and have it fall on the floor, causing us to bond over the hilarious and unique nature of the moment (watch some Annie Hall people). I would meet his parents and they would inevitably fall in love with me, I would charm her with my Spanish and my terrible bachata dancing. I would make amazing cookies and his father would call me hija. Sigh....the illusions ran deep people.

Shhhshh.....wait. Did you hear that? Yup, that's the sound of the other shoe dropping.

I think it was around the time that I made the classic girl mistake of bringing up who we dated before each other over dinner. He declared loudly that before me he had dated 4 girls. Simultaneously. Then he assured me that I could see whoever I want. He didn't want to hold me back. Which we all know he is not declaring my freedom so much hes declaring it kosher to fuck whoever he wants and not feel guilty. So in the same breath where I had intended to make clear that I wanted to be exclusive, he tells me not to be. Mmm...Kay. I don't know about y'all but I don't intend to date my whole life, even with the good stories and good sex. I'm dating for the purpose of one day NOT dating again. It's not like that casual yoga I do once a month for no particular reason but to stop feeling guilty for never working out, no I'm dating to find the one. Or at least someone I can stand to be around. So when you decide that the person you are seeing is not only tolerable but downright enjoyable, i want them to stick around.

And yes, some of you might think I just need to take thing slow, see where they end up, blah blah blah.... My answer is this: the clock is ticking my friends. At 35 it becomes statistically harder for a woman to have children. So being 30, that means I should meet someone, date them for a year, move in together for another year, be engaged for yet another year, be married without kids for at least 2 years, leading me to kids at the ripe age of 35. So for those who don't want to do the math, that means I need to meet this fine fellow right about now. So if this guy wants to see other people for an extended period of time, i must take the advice of a wise woman: "ain't nobody got time for that." So I guess NICE isn't really nice at all.